A Loony Zoo of Crackpot Critters!
(This is how the author "spins his wheels" when at a loose
end!)
The Wild and Woolly Walking Wig
The Walking wig has lots of hair – he’s never seen a barber’s
chair.
Wig thinks he’s got a groovy voice, but really makes a
shocking noise
And would be better off by far if he’d just stick to his
guitar;
For kids and oldies just don’t dig the squawking of the
Walking Wig!
The Hamfisted Hufflepuff
The Hufflepuff’s a friendly bloke who loves inhaling steam and
smoke
And spends his days in expectation hanging round the railway
station.
But now the steam engines are gone, poor Huffle’s doomed to
puff alone.
So when you think your luck is tough, be glad you’re not as
Hufflepuff!
The Fairyfooted Fumblegump
The Fumblegump’s a curious beast who lives on Fairy-floss and
yeast.
Despite his size and funny nose, he’s very light upon his
toes.
The slightest breezes make him rise and lift him high into the
skies,
Where folks mistake him for the moon, a flying saucer, or
balloon!
The Treble-Treaded Tufted Twit
Long of leg and short of wit, the Treble-Treaded Tufted Twit
Gives his spectators lots of fun each time he breaks into a
run.
His gait is a peculiar sight – right-middle-left,
left-middle-right.
The three-legged race he’ll often enter, beats ‘em all, left,
right and centre!
The Mortar-Munching Mugwump
The Mugwump’s breakfast isn’t grand – he likes his porridge made with sand.
And, for lunch he’s quite content to gorge himself on fresh
cement.
A plate of tasty granite chips will always make him smack his
lips.
But Mugwumps really get their kicks by crunching munchy broken
bricks!
The Tube-Nosed Trumpeter
With nose shaped like a bugle horn, this critter gaily greets
the dawn
And wakes his neighbours, one and all, with his deafening
clarion-call.
He then into his snout inhales half a pound of rusty nails
And peppers all who make a fuss, with his nasal blunderbuss!
The Jelly-Bellied Jumblebonk
The Jelly-Bellied Jumblebonk has a most enormous conk
That prevents him watching telly and his huge, distended
belly,
Aided by his swollen nose, stops him looking at his toes.
So it seems, his only hope is to buy a periscope!
The Rolypoly Rumbletum
The Rumbletum lives in the river, for, with tummy all a-quiver
He could never hope to stand unsupported on dry land!
Yet, weak of knees and overweight, the Rumbletum is never late
For his meal times, when his wife’ll serve him up ice cream
and trifle!
The Featherfingered Flatherpook
The Featherfingered Flatherpook has a most uncanny look
Of cockerel and kangaroo, he seems a hybrid of the two.
He crows when sunrise comes around and leaps tall buildings at
a bound.
Ah! What a truly wondrous sight - to see a Flatherpook in
flight!
The Blowuppable Blubberdub
Now here’s a fairly new arrival, a bouncing expert in survival
Who’s skilled in speedy adaptation to any changing situation.
Upon the water he can float, inflated like a rubber boat –
Or, should circumstance require, bowl down the highway like a
tyre!
(I ought to mention at this juncture that he’s rather prone to
puncture,
So though he cannot break or drown, he often feels a bit
"let-down"!)
The Garbled Gobbledigook
We ought to take a good hard look at dear old Garbled
Gobbledigook.
Whose speech is very hard to follow for all his words he tends
to swallow
Then coughs them up all in a jumble – Gurgle, Gargle,
Splutter, Mumble.
Why is his speech so rough and crude? Because his mouth is
full of FOOD!
The Sticky Stranglestring
The Stranglestring takes great delight in lurking ‘midst the
trees at night
And stretching out his tendrils thin about the height of mouth
and chin.
A trick that’s planned to horrify arachnophobic passers-by!
It always makes their pulses race –That feel of cobwebs on
one’s face!
The Drip-Drop Drummer
Although we turn the taps off tight before retiring for the
night,
Soon from the bathroom it will come – that dreadful dripping
droplet drum!
Then that "Plop-Plop-Plop" will seep into your brain and drive
out sleep!
It’s no use sending for the plumber... only
YOU can stop the
Drummer!
The Chubby Choc Chomper
Thanks to his love of chocolate this creature’s sadly
overweight,
And, though it gives him tooth-decay, he smacks his lips and
chomps away.
Plain or Milk – it does not matter – even though it makes him
fatter!
He really must give up his chocs… or wind up in a Chocolate
Box!
The Trivial Triflestrife
It must be quite a lonesome life to be a Trivial Triflestrife
For all the trivial things he sees soon grow to big
catastrophes,
And the most trifling incident becomes an earthshaking event!
Since his pals have long since fled he bores himself to
death, instead!
The Each-way Ephalump
This poor old Kreature looks quite daft - he’s built the same,
both fore and aft!
So one can face him without fear - from either end, from front
to rear.
Although he looks so fierce and large, it’s rather fun to
watch him charge
In both directions, aft and fore – he’s like a one-man
Tug-O’-War!
The Flapping Flutter-By
Swooping and looping in the sky, the flopping, Flapping
Flutter-By.
Plaything of each vagrant breeze, darting and diving o’er the
trees.
But here’s the truly curious thing, unlike a kite - he trails
no string!
And lacking such remote control, He’ll wind up round a
power-pole!
The Dreaded Drain Dweller
Down in drains that reek and smell, among the germs, these
creatures dwell
And thrive amid the pong and stink that comes from down the
kitchen sink.
In sludgy darkness, black and utter, they swim in grease and
rancid butter
And other nasty food-remains – So Keep away From Dirty Drains!
The Webfooted Waddleflomp
The wild, Webfooted Waddleflomp lives in the depths of bog or
swamp.
He’s got the feet one should require for strolling through the
squelchy mire.
And though the footing’s rather soggy, the Waddleflomp loves
places boggy,
Where humans, wearing normal shoes, would swiftly sink beneath
the ooze!
The Dilatory Ditherer
This Trembling Mass of Indecision suffers much from clouded
vision.
When matters call for instant action, the Ditherer drives us
to distraction
And never knows quite what to do, what course of action to
pursue?
When need for fast decisions floor him, we have to make his
mind up for him!
The Rearvisioned Rhinophant
Equipped with vision in his rear because he always lives in
fear
Of all the dangers he might find creeping upon him from
behind.
This creature has no forward view, so, if he is approached by
you –
Beware! For he may only spot you after his big feet have got
you!
The Rattling Rooftop Rustler
The Rooftop Rustler’s quite a pest who oft disturbs our hours
of rest
And wakes us from our cosy bed with rustling noises o’er our
heads.
Was that a mouse? Was that a tree? Or might it something
dreadful be?
We’ll never know - for he’ll be gone as bleary-eyed, we greet
the dawn!
The Bug-Eyed Blong
The Bug-Eyed Blong has bulging eyes by means of which, at
once, he spies
Both fore and aft, and left and right – a greatly marvellous
gift of sight!
Alas, poor Blong! This all-round view is tough to grow
accustomed to,
For through this visual circumspection, Blong loses all sense
of direction!
The Periscopic Probe
The Probe has lengthy stalks with eyes on with which he views
the far horizon,
And, with the aid of which, he can above tall jungle tree tops
scan.
But, sad to say, he cannot see what lies before his foot or
knee,
In consequence, he’s often found sprawled full length upon the
ground!
The Crimson–Crested Cockatrice
The Crimson-Crested Cockatrice lives down among the snow and
ice
Of the southern Polar Icecap, where fluffy feathers make a
nice cap
That keeps his top-end well protected, but his rear-end’s been
neglected!
So, on this we may depend – The cold will get him - in the
End!
The Flap-Eared Floon
The Floon has ears so large and round they can pick up the
smallest sound,
And could detect - the experts say - a pin dropped forty miles
away!
Alas, this auditory boon is wasted on the Flap-Eared Floon,
For on the moon, where Floons abound – there is no air to
carry sound!
The tippling Tea Belly
Tea with lemon, tea that’s sweet, laced with milk or just
plain neat,
Just so long as it is hot, Teabelly will drink the lot!
All day long he sits and sups, tea from billies, pots and
cups.
One day he’ll burst, and then we’ll be all swimming in a sea
of Tea!
A Bunch of Blathering Buffoons
The Bigmouthed Blatherskite
Now meet the Bigmouthed Blatherskite - a fellow who takes
great delight
In amazing everyone with yarns of all the things he’s done.
Of course, it’s all imagination - for just a simple
calculation
Shows, from all the tales he’s told, he must be many centuries
old!
The Lesser Loudmouth
The lesser Loudmouth isn’t quite as big a pest as Blatherskite
But would impress us, if he could, with claims of having noble
blood.
Obviously his mind’s diseased and I for one would be most
pleased
To hang him by his pedigree from any handy Family Tree!
The Puffed-Up Pompous Poohbah
"Clear the way! Stand back, you! Pompous Poohbah’s passing
through!"
And foolish peasants bow and scrape or stand in awe, with
mouth agape
Marvelling at this splendid Critter, his brilliant plumage all
a-glitter.
Yet underneath that outer layer, Poohbah’s no holier than they
are!
The Spectacular Sportspout
Just mention any kind of sport, you’re doomed to hear a full
report;
Who bowled who or scored which try, who won what race and how
and why.
This walking sports encyclopedia, daily scans through all the
media.
How does one make him go away? Just ask him did HE ever
PLAY!
The knuckleheaded Know-It-All
Beware when Know-All takes the floor –this Critter’s such an
awful bore,
Who for hours will stand and spout on matters he knows naught
about.
His lack of knowledge is immense – folks must surely have more
sense
Than to sit with bated breath and let themselves be bored to
death!
The Globetrotting Baggadough
Wherever in the world one goes you’ll find Globetrotting
Baggadoughs;
Costly cameras round their necks, sunglasses, wads of
traveller’s cheques.
The wonders of the world they tour - yet find them all a
tiresome bore.
If it’s for interest they thirst – why don’t they tour their
OWN land first?
A Drove of Cackles
The chortling Chucklechump
The Chucklechump’s a grinning fool who loves to scorn and
ridicule
When bad luck and misfortune strike – like someone coming off
his bike
And falling flat upon his face, within some crowded public
place.
Oh, How I’d dearly love to thump that cheeky chortling
Chucklechump!
The Jolly, Jesting Jinglejoker
Shrieks of mirth and gales of laughter always seem to follow
after
The Jinglejoker passes by, with shafts of wit and twinkling
eye.
His grotesque features wreathed in smiles leave us rolling in
the aisles
And no one would suspect that he is filled with secret misery!
The Rumbunctious Rubbisher
When skites and Knowalls congregate their wondrous doings to
relate,
You’ll often find it won’t be long before this Critter joins
the throng,
And every marvellous yarn derides with cunning digs and sly
asides.
The Rubbisher deserves first prize, for cutting bigheads down
to size!
The Bat-Winged Bunyip
Wings like a bat, nose like a flute, big ears and dragon’s
tail, to boot.
Zippered pouch and comic grin. One must admit that it’s a sin
To describe this jolly funster as some dreadful outback
monster
Who likes to go round scaring folk – He’s really just a
walking Joke!
A Flock of Birdbrains
The Woolgathering Whatsaname
One finds it really hard to blame the poor Woolgathering
Whatsaname
Who’s apt to rapidly forget the names of people he’s just met!
He sadly lacks the faculty to recall peoples’ names, so he
Conceals this name-forgetting trait by simply calling people
"Mate!"
The Tunnel-Visioned Twerp
The Twerp has but one goal in sight and looks to neither left
nor right.
He steadfastly refuses to consider other points of view
Because his blinkered vision sees no other possibilities.
He can’t be swerved but- in the end –he’ll wind up going round
the bend!
The Transfixed Televidiot
When TV stations go to air, the Televidiot’s squatting there
Before his magic picture box, with bags of sweets and
chocolate blocks
Prepared to let his mind run free into a world of fantasy,
His eyes glued to the flickering screen absorbing every
wondrous scene.
But, alas, his aim’s defeated! Everything has been repeated!
The Bird-brained Berk
A Critter encountered at school or at work
Is that dim-witted dumdum, the poor Bird-Brained Berk
The foggiest thought can impose a great strain
And overload badly his pigeon-sized brain.
His thoughtlessness may cause our feelings to irk,
But let’s not judge too harshly the sad Bird-Brained Berk!
The Poetically-Pitiful Poltroon
My rhymes are bad, but his are worse. He thinks, he writes, he
speaks in verse
And struggles till his sense teeter composing lines to match
his metre.
I’d better watch it, or I’ll soon be just as bad as the
Poltroon!
(On second thoughts, who cares a damn – I reckon I already
AM!)
The Bone-Brained Boofhead
For error, blunder or mistake, poor Boofhead really takes the
cake.
No matter what this bone-brained nong attempts to do, he’ll
get it wrong!
He lives in a perpetual daze. His thoughts are just a foggy
haze.
It’s not his fault, the x-Rays shown his skull is almost solid
bone!
A Nest of Habits
The Snuffling Snifflesnout
The sad old Snuffling Snifflesnout hasn’t much to laugh about.
All day long his coughs and wheezes are interspersed by snorts
and sneezes,
And as if this weren’t enough – he lives on cigarettes and
snuff!
One must admire this foolish freak – if only for his stubborn
streak!
The Proboscis-Probing Pongleconk
This sorry Critter has a nose which almost reaches to his toes
And, (though to tell you why I’m loathe) constant picking
caused its growth!
If you don’t wish to share his grief, clear your nose with a
handkerchief.
And one thing more before we leave – Don’t wipe your nose upon
your sleeve!
The Constantly-Changing Collector-Critter
The CCC will wax ecstatic on coins and such things numismatic.
Stamps he will discuss quite chattily with those whose passion
is Philately.
But his collections are half-hearted – he never ends what he
has started.
So all the reference books that he has are Volume One
encyclopedias!
The Twittering Thumb-Twiddler
A tiresome fidgetter and fiddler is the Twittering
Thumb-Twiddler.
It’s hard to keep one’s concentration during any conversation
With this twitchy-fingered rabbit through this most
distracting habit.
If only he could learn the knack of speaking hands behind his
back!
The Hesitant Humm-n-Harr
These Critters have an affectation that impedes their
conversation
Each sentence they must intersperse liberally with ‘Hmm’s’ and
‘Er’s’.
To hear this verbal constipation fills us with exasperation,
Yet we often find such creatures addressing as classroom
teachers!
The Spiteful Spittle-Spatter
In all my weird menagerie, among the worst would have to be
Homunculus Expectorans – those thoughtless, filthy specimens
Who foul our pavements with their spit and really do not care
a bit.
They richly earn our condemnations for their great
expectorations!
The Purgatorial Prevaricators
These guys are never on the level – each one’s an habitual
lying devil.
With silver tongues so glib and smooth; they simply cannot
tell the truth,
Despite the fact their lies may well ensure their tickets
straight to Hell,
Where, ‘mid flames and cinders crying, at Satan’s feet they’ll
end up lying!
The Wilful Wily Wagger
The Wilful Wagger makes a rule of wagging every day from
school
He doesn’t understand the need for him to learn to write or
read
And much prefers to spend his day just loafing all those hours
away.
He cannot see that such enjoyment later leads to Unemployment!
The Fly-Brained Fag-End Flicker
Let me draw attention to the most gormless inmate of my Zoo!
The driver who, without a care, flicks cigarette-butts
everywhere.
Watch his fag-end as it arcs, so gracefully, with trails of
sparks,
Into brush as dry as tinder and burns the landscape to a
cinder!
The Rowdy Radio Ratbag
The Radio Ratbag walks around surrounded by a wall of sound.
He flicks with dexterous oscillations back and forth across
the stations,
And everywhere the peace destroys with his eardrum-blasting
noise
To stop this racket so nerve-shattery we must deprive him of
his battery!
The Rally-Striped road-Hog
Who’s never struck this dangerous pest - a Critter all other
road-users detest?
Blindly ignoring the motoring code he goes like a rocket, the
King of the Road!
No brains or signals, stoplights or brakes - horn madly
blaring as he overtakes.
But, alas, for the Road Hog, the future looks grim! –
The hour
is at hand when Fate overtakes him!
….And there are still more to come in this collection!
© Gerry Forster 2002
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